


Caught Between What Happened Before and What Could Still Be

by missliliann



Category: The 100
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bellarke, F/M, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 04:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20419817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missliliann/pseuds/missliliann
Summary: Bellamy Blake doesn't do relationships. Or talk about his feelings. The one person who might've been the exception to the rules he has slipped away before he even had a chance to fully consider changing either of those things. So now it's been six years and suddenly she's back in town and even though he'd kept up his walls, the mere mention of her name is enough to get him spiralling back to a time before everything fell apart. History only repeats itself when you don't learn from the past. And he isn't going to make the same mistake twice.





	Caught Between What Happened Before and What Could Still Be

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time writing and posting fan fiction. @doontpanic asked if i could write a fic based on two different songs, That's Us by Anson Seabra and I'm With You by Vance Joy. Oh, here's a link to the post with the songs on it [Link text](https://doontpanic.tumblr.com/post/187057640301/i-dont-know-who-to-ask-this-for-so-thats-why)  
This will probably end up being three parts. Maybe four. We'll see. Happy reading!

He’s working on his curriculum for the coming school year in his comfy old man recliner when Octavia drops in unannounced. It’s not altogether uncommon, Octavia stopping by, but Bellamy can feel her excitement as soon as she walks through the door. She nods at him as she kicks off her shoes by the door. He simply raises an eyebrow at her. Without any verbal greeting by either of them, she makes her way to his kitchen and proceeds to raid the fridge, hunting down whatever leftovers he might have. Oddly enough, he’d made her favorite the other night for himself, chicken adobo, and she finds it right away.

She continues to do her thing in the kitchen, heating the food in the microwave and eating away with a forced calm like she used to do when she tried to hide something from him. He can see her almost bouncing on the balls of her feet. It’s so like Octavia, to keep him in suspense about whatever it is she’s come here for.

Bellamy lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when she finally comes back into the living room. She somehow manages to flop gracefully onto his couch, where she stares at him upside down where her head is propped on the armrest, waiting for him to properly acknowledge her. He waits for a minute, wanting her to feel the weird vibe he gave her the moment she came in, so he continues making notes in the margins of his close to final draft for at least the first terms of classes. It’s his second year teaching history in his own classroom to high school kids and he gets frazzled as the school year gets closer. But his curiosity at Octavia’s sudden appearance distracts him from any of the things he should be focusing on.

He pushes his papers away from him and stretches, pretending like he’s just noticed her, “Oh hey O, fancy seeing you here. In my apartment. What brings you across town?”

She plays along, “You know, just checking up on my big brother. What with the new semester and all.” She pauses for a moment before speaking again, feigning nonchalance, “You hear the news?”

“O, that is so vague,” he snorts, breaking their sarcastic banter, because whether he wants to admit it or not, he really wants to know why she’s here.

Octavia apparently isn’t done milking the moment though. She sits up, grinning widely, toothy, looking like a kid again rather than the woman she’s grown to be, “Come on big brother, take a guess at why I came straight over here after having lunch with Raven to come and see you.”

He raises his eyebrows, “You and Raven have lunch together?”

“Yeah, of course we do Bell,” she rolls her eyes, “it’s not like she’s not my friend too you know,”

“I’m just surprised is all! I didn’t mean-”

“Bellamy!” she interjects, “You’re getting side tracked! Guess the news already!”

At this point she’s practically beaming and Bellamy can only think of one thing, “O, are you pregnant?!”

The surprise on her face is quickly taken over by laughter. He can’t decide what her answer is, so he waits for her to catch her breath, unsure what emotions are running through him. He’s pretty sure she isn’t because of the way she’s laughing, but sometimes he still can’t read her, even though he’s practically raised her his whole life.

“Well, I did ask you to guess.” She says almost to herself, shaking her head and letting out another laugh, “but no, that’s not the news. Although maybe when that actually happens, I’ll do it just like this so you can guess right for once in your life.”

He feels himself relaxing a little. Not that he wouldn’t be happy for her, it’s just that relationships have always been a touchy subject for him, and she and Lincoln aren’t even married yet. Not that they have to be married. They’re engaged, they live together and they’ve practically been in love since the moment they met almost seven years ago, so it’s not like Octavia having a baby would be a bad thing. There’s just that ever-present fear that he’s not sure it’ll last. He knows it’s crazy to think that, especially about Lincoln and Octavia, but he can’t help it. It’s something he’s always done.

He’s seen it goes south too many times, with his mom and all the times she tried to make things work with yet another man. It’s why he swore off relationships before he even really gave them a chance. It’s why he’s never let himself get close to anyone. Well, almost never. And it’s not that he doesn’t like Lincoln, he does. He sees how good he is to and for Octavia, how much they love each other. Besides, it’s better to wait to throw kids into the mix when they’re legal and all that, if at all. Whatever. He’s just projecting. He knows that.

Then Bellamy remembers Octavia is still sitting there, so he shakes his head at his wandering thoughts and rolls his eyes at her, “So what is it then, Octavia? What made you drive all the way over here, after this random first time I’m hearing about you having lunch with Raven, which you’ve apparently done for years,” he pauses at his light jab and she huffs a breath at him, but he continues, “that’s got you practically bouncing off the walls?”

She looks like she’s going to consider defending having lunch with Raven, but gives in after a moment, “Fine, you got me. We don’t go out very much,” he’s about to tell her he knew it, but fixes him with a look so he keeps his mouth shut. Leaning forward in her traditional dramatic flair, she finally lets the cat out of the bag, “Clarke’s coming home!”

Bellamy just stares at Octavia, not sure how to process the small three-word sentence. He’s not even sure if he’s heard her correctly. By the way she’s looking at him, trying to gauge his reaction, he’d say that he did. There’s so much rushing through his head and heart that he just stands abruptly, and she stands with him, looking a tiny bit worried.

“Bell? What are you feeling? Are you okay? Is this okay?” she looks a little apologetic, “I was just so excited, she hasn’t been home in years, and Raven warned me you might get like this but I didn’t actually believe her. I thought you’d be excited, even more excited than me.”

He shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts, and somehow a small smile finds its way to his lips, “No, it- it is. That’s exciting, really. I can’t believe she’s coming home. It’s just been a long time, you know?”

She nods sympathetically. Octavia’s been out to California to see her a couple of times over the years, but Bellamy hasn’t seen her person since she moved all the way across the country six years ago, almost to the day. Bellamy thinks about asking Octavia how she found out and why Clarke hadn’t just called him to tell him. He thinks he knows the answer to that one. At the very least Raven could let him know instead of sending Octavia to drop this news on him without any warning. Octavia seems to know the thoughts rolling around in his head before he can properly form the words.

“That’s why Raven and I had lunch today,” she starts, “Clarke called Raven a couple days ago and asked if she could crash at her place until she finds somewhere more permanent. Lincoln said something about her this morning when I was getting ready to head out to meet Raven. I guess she sent Diyoza some of her work a couple months ago and Diyoza loved it, so they want to feature her latest project in their gallery. Turns out Raven wanted to tell me in person that Clarke was coming home because she said Clarke didn’t want to make a big deal about it. Hell, I talked to Clarke last week but she didn’t say anything. She’s always been one for surprises though. She said Clarke kept everything pretty vague, not sure of anything until this morning,” 

She pauses, a questioning and almost hurt look on her face, “Raven wasn’t sure how you’d take it, so she asked me to come and tell you because Clarke told her it’s been a while since you and Clarke have talked, which you obviously hadn’t mentioned to me. I honestly thought you were going to know the news when I got here, but it’s apparent from the look on your face when I told you that you most definitely did not hear the news.”

He winces at the accusation in her voice. He hadn’t told Octavia that he and Clarke had fallen out of touch. But it was old news, really. There were short, cordial texts back and forth from time to time, but after that first year of Clarke being away at school, she just got so busy and Bellamy didn’t know how to keep reaching out without feeling like he was walking through unknown territory between them, which didn’t make any sense to him. She was his best friend and he knew her like the way he knew his way around his apartment in the dark. Until he didn’t. It was like everything had been rearranged and Bellamy found that he kept stumbling over himself when he talked to her. So he pulled away and she let him. They didn’t talk about it. But that year before she left, they hadn’t talked about a lot of things they probably should have. Maybe that’s when things had started to shift.

“Bell,” Octavia breaks through his train of thought.

He looks down at her a little dazed and realizes that she must have asked him a question, “Sorry, O, what’d you say?”

Her eyes are boring into him, trying to figure out the array of emotions that are surely flicking across his face and repeats her question, “How long has it been? Why didn’t you tell me you and Clarke haven’t been talking?”

“It’s been years, O. It’s not like I wanted to drag you into-”

“Years?” she asks sharply.

He sighs, knowing he’s got to give her at least somewhat of an explanation. He’s not sure how to explain though, because he’s still trying to make sense of it all himself.

“Yeah, years. About a year after she’d moved-”

“Wait, you’re telling me you and Clarke haven’t really been talking for five years?” he nods slightly and Octavia throws her hands up, clearly pissed, “You both talk about each other like nothing happened, like things are fine, you’re both just busy with work and school. I couldn’t figure out why you wouldn’t fly out with me every time I went to see her, but neither of you made a big deal out of it. Since it’s been five goddamn years of what’s probably been radio silence between you two, I guess that makes sense. I can’t believe I didn’t realize something was up with you two assholes.”

“It was an unspoken agreement between us I guess,” he says quietly.

“What was?” she demands.

“That whatever happened between us wouldn’t affect our relationships outside of each other as much as possible. Although from Raven’s decided course of action today, asking you to come here, I suppose she’s knows more than I thought. I didn’t want you to lose Clarke too, even if she and I aren’t really close anymore. I know she didn’t want to lose you either,” he can see Octavia’s stance soften at his words.

She steps closer to him, and he’s thrown by the way she’s looking at him, not his crazy and inconsistent kid sister that she had reminded him of at the onset of her trampling through the door, but like the strong and stable woman that she’s become. She doesn’t say anything, just wraps him in a hug and he sags into her, feeling relieved. It’s so different from the way they used to fight about things when they were still trying to figure out how to balance the ever-present oddness of their upbringing. Bellamy, the older responsible and wise one, trying to protect his baby sister. Octavia, the younger reckless and wild one, trying to do everything without her older brother. He was always taking care of her growing up. He doesn’t remember when she started taking care of him too.

“I don’t really know what happened,” he mumbles against Octavia’s shoulder, “one day things were fine, and the next nothing felt familiar and neither of us knew what to do. We text sometimes, to see how each other is doing, but we don’t talk like we used to. I don’t know how to explain it. We still care about each other, it’s just different now. Too much time and space away from each other maybe.”

“Wow, I can’t believe you can even manage to text her sometimes when you hardly ever text anyone unless we are borderline harassing you with texts,” she teases lightly and it makes him chuckle a little.

He reaches up to ruffle her hair like he used to and she pushes away from him laughing, “That’s all you got from what I said?” he huffs, trying to look annoyed.

It doesn’t work from the sympathetic way she’s staring at him, “I get it, Bell. I want to be mad at you and Clarke for not saying anything, but I get it. I’m your sister. She’s one of my best friends. We’ve all got people in the crossfires of you two. Hell, we even called you mom and dad behind your backs way back when.” He quirks an eyebrow at that new piece of information, but she just continues, “Things are different now. It happens. But Bell, she’s coming home. Things might have changed but that means they can change again.”

“I don’t know, O,” he sighs, “what if things are just too weird?”

She lifts a shoulder, “Then you work at it til it’s not weird anymore. Like you said, it’s been a long time. Maybe less time and space will help you both,”

“Maybe,” he concedes, “so she’s coming back to town. Do you know when?”

Her eyes widen, “Shit! I forgot I had things to do because of your impeccable timing of updating me on this thing with Clarke.” He starts to protest but she cuts him off, “She’s flying in tonight and Raven wanted to throw her a little welcome home party. Nothing crazy, but she’s decided it’s been too long since everyone’s gotten together and she’s rounding up people as we speak to be there tonight. I know that things are weird with you two but I really think it would be good for you to be there and welcome her back and just be there since you haven’t been for the better part of her being gone.”

“Of course I’m coming,” he says, trying to ignore the hurt in his chest at Octavia’s reminder of the shitty friend he’s been to Clarke, “She’s still my best friend, O. Of course I’m coming.”

Octavia stares at him, like he’s a puzzle she’s trying to solve. When he starts to fidget, she says quietly, “She really is still your best friend, after all this time. Even with whatever happened between you two.”

He ducks his head and rubs his neck, “Well, yeah. I mean it’s been six years since I’ve physically seen her, but it’s not like her presence in my life ever really got replaced.”

She looks like she has a realization, “Oh my God, Bell are you’re in lo-”

“Octavia,” he cuts her off, a warning in his voice. He’s not ready to have this conversation. Not that he hasn’t had it with Murphy and Miller on separate occasions, but can’t do it right now with Octavia. Not when Clarke will be home tonight. Not when he feels so out of control. Maybe he should talk to someone about it though. Just to help him be stable. Yeah, stable, that’s it.

She seems to understand she crossed a line and puts her hands up in surrender, “Okay fine, we won’t do this right now. I have to help Raven clean up her work room so Clarke has somewhere to sleep tonight and you have to get your head on straight before you come over to Raven’s.”

He nods, knowing Octavia’s right about his headspace. He’s got to be able to manage seeing her tonight. She’s putting her shoes back on when he remembers to ask, “What time?”

“Show up before seven. Raven’s picking Clarke up from the airport at six.”

Octavia shoots him half smile, “Don’t worry big brother, I’m sure you’ll be fine after you see her again,”

As she shuts the door behind her, Bellamy takes a deep breath. After a beat, he pulls his phone out, debating on who to call, because while he can’t admit anything to his baby sister, he’s got to admit it to someone. He dials Raven’s number. She answers after the first ring.

“Blake,” she says, continuing on before can even greet her, “I take it Octavia’s just been over,”

“Yeah. How long have you known?”

“About what, Blake?”

“You know, Raven.”

“I’m not sure I do, Bellamy. Why don’t you enlighten me?”

He grits his teeth, steeling himself for a moment before saying what he’s only ever said out loud to himself in the quiet darkness of his bedroom when he can’t stop thinking about her, “That I’m in love with Clarke,”

She whistles low, “I didn’t think you’d actually say it.”

“Well, I had to say it to somebody and it couldn’t be Octavia. But thanks to you, she just figured it out, and I couldn’t have this conversation with her today. Why didn’t you just call me and tell me Clarke was coming home if you already knew?”

“Because I figured Octavia would want to be there for you in case you needed someone to help you process your emotions. You’ve been running from them much too long for them not to catch up with you eventually.”

“Then why didn’t you call me out on it before?” Bellamy’s curiosity is genuine. Raven has never been one to beat around things.

“You’re kidding, right?” she snorts, “Bellamy Blake, you think that Nathan Miller and John Murphy came up with those ambushes to try and talk you through things just magically happened on their own? You kept it from Octavia, so you can keep things tightly under wraps. But you forgot I was there when things started to get messy with you two. You were too busy trying to cover up your heart around everyone that you forgot to use your head when you were at the shop. Besides, I know Clarke’s side of things.”

He’s getting ready to argue with her, when her last statement catches him off guard, “What do you mean, ‘Clarke’s side of things’?”

“Bellamy you weren’t not the only one trying to hide things. You were just better at keeping it to yourself.”

“What are you saying?” he asks cautiously.

Raven sighs loudly into the phone “I don’t have time to run in circles around this, I’ve got things to do today. I’m saying pull your head out of your ass. Your princess is finally coming home and if you don’t screw things up again, maybe you’ll have a chance at getting her back in your life for good.”

“But- I don’t do relationships, everyone knows that,” he tells her.

“Retire that comfort blanket Bellamy. You know it’s bullshit. Not every relationship will end in disaster. I know it was tough having your mom as a role model and it messed with you and Octavia, but look at Octavia. She turned out okay and she’s getting married to Lincoln this year for crying out loud. Do you really want to actually lose Clarke, for real? I know you haven’t seen her in a relationship since high school and you haven’t heard of the few since she’s been gone, but what happens if she finds someone else here?”

“She’s been dating?” he asks, more surprised at himself for being surprised than hearing that she’s actually been in a few relationships. Six years is a long time, after all. It’s not like he didn’t try to move on too. But things never lasted. It wasn’t his thing.

“Of course she has.” Raven is clearly annoyed with how dense he’s being, but he can’t help it, “She isn’t like you, Mr. I-Don’t-Do-Relationships. Seriously, you’ve got work to do my friend. I won’t let you hurt her again,”

“What do you mean?” he asks, confused, “When did I hurt her?”

“Come on Bellamy, you think you’ve been the only one hurting? I told you I know about when things got messy,” her voice gets softer, “I know about everything after too. I watched you close off, I know about the distance between you two. Just, please, for both of your sakes, figure your shit out. I need to get stuff ready for tonight. Try not to be a total disaster when you show up. I assume you’re coming, right?”

“Yeah,” he says quietly.

“For what it’s worth, I know you didn’t mean to hurt her. I’m just saying to be more conscious this time around. For everyone. I don’t think either of you will be able to let it slide quietly, like it has been the last six years. She wasn’t around for it to be obvious to everyone that things are different between you two.”

He’s not sure what to say, so he sort of just hums in the back of his throat. “Right,” he says finally, “I’ll see you tonight then,”

She hesitates on the line, like she’s going to say something, but ends up telling him not to be late and hanging up. He had been aimlessly walking the living room but as the conversation progressed, he ends up just standing at his bookshelf, staring at the last picture they had together before she left.

_He and Octavia had taken it upon themselves to take Clarke to the airport. They drove her and her eight suitcases. It the last time he teased her about being a princess. They’d taken her bags to the check-in, and there were still a couple minutes before she had to wait in her section to board her plane. None of them knew what to say. Octavia grabbed her in a bear hug, told her not to be a stranger, and then stepped away to give Bellamy and Clarke a minute alone. _

_They were both at a loss for words. He knew he loved her then, but she was leaving and he didn’t do relationships, much less long-distance ones. He didn’t want her to stay, not for him, but he had a feeling that if he told her, she would end up staying. He wanted her to go and get some life experience, even though it was so far away. He didn’t want to be selfish with her the way he had been that summer. She didn’t need a guy with commitment issues holding her back. She stepped into his space and tucked herself into his chest, squeezing tightly. He hugged her back, his throat constricting._

_“Clarke,” he croaked._

_She leaned back a little and looked at him, “Yeah?”_

_With the way she was looking at him, so soft and open, he almost told her then. But the part of him that didn’t believe in love and lasting relationships stopped him. So instead he stuttered out some lame advice about not breaking too many hearts out on the west coast and her smile faded slightly. But then she rolled her eyes and shoved him back lightly telling him she’d break as many hearts as she wanted. She checked her watch. It was time for her to get going. He pulled her back in for one last hug. It was over too quickly. Before he had time to process that she was really leaving, he was watching her walk away. She looked back and waved before she got lost in the crowd of people bustling to get places. _

Octavia had taken the picture he had in his living room just after he’d said Clarke's name. Their arms were wrapped around each other and his back was mostly turned, but Octavia had captured Clarke’s face peering up at Bellamy as she leaned back to look at him.

He thinks about what Raven said. He must have hurt her, by not explaining, never telling her how he felt. That must’ve been why their conversations began to get shorter and more stilted, neither of them knowing what to say. Why they’d finally just resorted to texting every once in a while. Mostly pleasantries and light reminders that they were both still there for each other if needed. He tries to remember the last time either of them had reached out, even over text. It has to have been at least a few months. Maybe longer. He can’t remember.

But now she’s coming home and he’s going to see her again for the first time in six years. Raven’s right, maybe if he tries this time, he can get over his fear of endings and begin again with Clarke. Maybe he’ll finally be able to tell her how he felt all those years ago, and how he still feels the same way. He doesn’t want things to be like they were before. He won’t let it. Not if he can do something about it now.

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! you got through the whole first part. Any thoughts???
> 
> heads up, the next chapter will go into how they met and growing closer to each other


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